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[Satire] Survey: Majority of Web Users are FBI Agents Posing as Teenage Girls
From: William Knowles <wk () c4i org>
Date: Mon, 25 Jun 2001 04:00:40 -0500 (CDT)
NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) The Internet reached a demographic
milestone this week as a new study revealed that for the first time,
the majority of U.S. Internet users are FBI agents posing as teenage
The report, by research firm Media Metrix, marks the first time the
demographic group known as "males" has not been in the majority.
According to the survey, which tracked online usage from January
through July, 50.4 percent of U.S. Web users -- or nearly 38 million
-- are FBI agents posing as teenage girls. That's still below the
percentage of FBI agents posing as teenage girls in the overall
population, which according to U.S. Census figures is 55.7 percent.
However, the report noted that FBI agents posing as teenage girls
represent the fastest growing segment of Web users, increasing 185
percent in the past 12 months.
"This study reveals that the Internet has come of age as a practical
medium and is no longer dominated by the male techie crowd," said
Randall Stinson, editor of American Demographics magazine. `These
newcomers are saying, 'The Internet is about more than being a geek.
It's about shopping and staying in touch with family and posing as a
little girl to apprehend geeks.'"
Web sites catering to teenage girls corroborated the findings. "At
least half" of Gurl.com's 1.3 million unique monthly visitors are FBI
agents posing as teenage girls, said Gurl.com spokesperson Helen
Kattrall. "It's easy to tell the difference," she said. "Real teens
chat with each other about boys and school and celebrities. But FBI
agents posing as teenage girls are never interested in girl-talk. They
tend to write things like, 'Hi, I'm Emily. I'm almost 13, and I'm
looking for a father figure willing to cross state lines.'"
In a statement, the FBI disputed the study's findings and insisted its
agents are not working on that many cases. However, the bureau
conceded it cannot rule out the possibility that some agents are
posing as teenage girls in their free time.
In other survey findings:
* More than 60 percent of female respondents say cybersex is
equivalent to infidelity, but a staggering 92 percent of FBI agents
posing as teenage girls approve of cybersex as long as it leads to
an arrest and conviction.
* Nearly one third of pedophiles say they actually go to teen sites in
hopes of meeting FBI agents.
* Four out of five men say they watch women's gymnastics and figure
skating for the athleticism. Nine out of ten women say they are
"Communications without intelligence is noise; Intelligence
without communications is irrelevant." Gen Alfred. M. Gray, USMC
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- [Satire] Survey: Majority of Web Users are FBI Agents Posing as Teenage Girls William Knowles (Jun 25)