IP: God save the Net: Her Majesty's online

[David Farber <farber () cis upenn edu>]

[sent with no disrespect djf]


God save the Net: Her Majesty's online


BY DAVID PLOTNIKOFF Mercury News Staff Writer


DEAR Queen,


First off, do you mind if I call you Queen? I don't want to come
off as disrespectful, but ``Her Royal Highness Elizabeth Head of
the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith'' just didn't fit on the
address line of my e-mail program.


It's my understanding that you're new to the Web and new to Net
travel as well. I see your site (http://www.royal.gov.uk) went
live on Thursday. And I hear from those who saw you on the tube
(or, as you say, ``the telly'') that you actually sat down at the
keyboard yourself, rather than letting some footman (some
Web-man?) do the driving.


Well, bully for you! Truly, now the sun never sets on the British
Empire. At any hour of the day or night, someone -- probably a
schoolchild in a faraway land your family used to control -- will
be dialing you up for a school report or perhaps just a chat.
That's so kewl! (Or, as you would probably say, ``Smashing!'')


I should mention that I'm not a subject of yours, just a lowly Net
serf in a far outpost of the former American colonies called
``Silicon Valley.'' Even though one of your cats, Sir Francis
Drake, went boating up this way once, this place was never under
the Union Jack. This was Spanish territory, then Mexican
territory, and at the moment it's ruled by a bunch of guys from
the Order of the Geek -- Sir Larry of Oracle, Sir Andy of Intel,
Sir Marc of Netscape and others.


King Bill, of the House of Microsoft, maintains his castle in a
dark, dank place far to the north of here. But he treats this as
an important colony. Considering the amount of sectarian strife
around here between the Wintel camp and the Macolytes, I guess you
could say this is his own little Northern Ireland.


But enough about me and mine. As for that Web site of yours, I
hope you'll permit me to offer a few pieces of advice:


First off, I heard you are the richest woman on the face of planet
Earth -- but it looks as if your Web site was done on the cheap by
some intern with an ``HTML in Seven Days'' book. You really need
to open Her Majesty's checkbook and lay out a little scratch for a
RealAudio server so your home page can play ``God Save the Queen''
when somebody clicks on the big crown. While you're at it, some
animated GIFs of the marching Beefeaters would really pump it up,
too.


I would go easy on pictures of your fancy houses (I mean, c'mon,
who do you think you are -- Bill Gates?) and go for some live
content that will keep those subjects coming back. If you had one
of these new Java-based chat servers running, you could have all
your folks in the Order of the British Empire come round for a bit
of midnight levity. This is known as pulling an all-knighter
online. Hahahahaha. Sorry. Little bit of geek humour.


I see from your official itinerary
(http://www.coi.gov.uk/coi/depts/GQB/GQB.html) that you like to
hang out at the track and throw a lot of parties. Lovely. I would
guess you often wear one of your many crowns when you're out and
about. I'll bet you even have one with a flashing red light on top
to make it easier for the peasants to spot you. My idea is this:
Why not go down to Crowns-R-Us and accessorize one of them with a
Web-camera so your subjects can see what the queen is doing at any
given moment? Is that a little over the top? OK. If QueenTV isn't
your Webcasting cup of tea, consider what we Americans do with
some of our endangered species: I'm talking electronic monitoring
collars. If you wore one, your subjects could dial up your page
and know exactly where in the Commonwealth you are at any given
moment. You should really consider outfitting your entire family
with these.


Oh, about the family -- I know you've had your hands full with the
boys lately. I'm sorry to tell you that on certain areas of the
Net, such as the alt.binaries.pictures.erotica. celebrities
newsgroup, photos of your sons' various partners -- Lady Diana
Spencer to Koo Stark to Fergie -- are very popular. There's one of
Di disembarking from a helicopter where her dress is . . . And one
of Fergie laid out on a beach blanket in all her porcine glory . .
. and, well, I guess you'll see for yourself soon enough.
Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about this. These
pictures will be floating around the wired world like so much
space junk until the Thames runs blue. Anyway, if you want to make
sure the boys don't become a royal pain in cyberspace, I really
think you should look into SurfWatch or Netnanny -- these are
software filters that will keep the randy little buggers from
dialing up trouble. You won't have to be looking over their
shoulder constantly to see if they're reading alt.rum.sodomy.lash
or other such rot.


After you've visited all the sites related to corgis, racehorses
and your other hobbies (do you, um, have any hobbies that involve
actual people?), there are plenty of other places to hit. For
starters, the Alta Vista search engine lists more than 10,000
things named after you. Everything from libraries to laundromats,
park benches to primary schools -- all with your name on them.
That's . . . so kewl.


I understand you have a lot of time on your hands and a stoicism
that lets you soldier on when all around you is crumbling. That's
lovely. You should make a smashing Netsurfer. ``Britannia rules
the Waves'' and all that . . . Stay kewl, Queen!


Your friend,


plotnikoff () sjmercury com




David ``Duke of Churl'' Plotnikoff sends all his trans-Atlantic
e-mail from the safety of a cubicle at the San Jose Mercury News,
750 Ridder Park Drive, San Jose, Calif., 95190. E-mail
plotnikoff () sjmercury com. On the Web, dial
http://www.sjmercury.com/living/daveplot


Published Friday, March 7, 1997, in the San Jose Mercury News