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Weapons of Math Instruction
From: InfoSec News <isn () c4i org>
Date: Mon, 22 Dec 2003 04:28:31 -0600 (CST)

The 'lighter' side of going to orange alert over the weekend...

- WK

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Sun, 21 Dec 2003 19:24:59 -0800
From: glen mccready <gkm () petting-zoo net>
Reply-To: deadbeef () petting-zoo net
To: 0xdeadbeef <0xdeadbeef () petting-zoo net>
Subject: Weapons of Math Instruction

Forwarded-by: Rob Windsor <windsor () warthog com>
Forwarded-by: "Rich Holland" <holland () guidancetech com>

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later 
discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying 
to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a 
protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft 
said he believes the man is a member of the notorious 
al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with 
carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said. "They desire 
average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off 
on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret 
code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as 
"unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common 
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 
sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If 
God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, 
He would have given us more fingers and toes.

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that 
it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are 
willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky 
statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of 
influence," the President said, adding: "Under the 
circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our 
point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction 
have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a 
scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a 
Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would 
say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty 
of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered 
as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."

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